No One Converted Me

I've been thinking about some of the wording used to describe people who join a church.  The passive voice is rampant in these descriptions.  For example, Alma 19:31-32

And he immediately, seeing the contention among his people, went forth and began to rebuke them, and to teach them the words which he had heard from the mouth of Ammon; and as many as heard his words believed, and were converted unto the Lord.  But there were many among them who would not hear his words; therefore they went on their way.  

One major part for me in the wording of these verses is the phrase "were converted".  That makes it sound like conversion was something done to them. When I tell the story of my own conversion I tell it like I own it.  I say "I converted when I was eighteen", or "I chose this religion because...".  It was an active, educated decision I made because I felt God calling me home through the Book of Mormon and this faith.  I don't ever say it in the passive voice as, "I was converted the summer I turned seventeen".  I certainly never say it was my friends or the missionaries who converted me.  The year I waited to be baptized was rough, and no boyfriend or social group was worth what I went through to get to baptism.

I feel like thorough conversion is an active thing a person chooses to do (I converted), not something that is done to them (I was converted).  To maintain my conversion I am constantly repenting and choosing to believe, and neither of those things can be done for me by someone else. 

I also have the question in mind, "What are you converted to?"   The scriptures many times say that people were converted "unto the Lord".  I chose to convert to believing in the Lord.  I heard, I wanted to believe, I chose to convert to the church of Jesus Christ, to convert unto the Lord.  I did not convert to a social group, though that is certainly available through the church.  I did not convert to the lifestyle, though I do like it and I choose to live the word of wisdom by eating healthy and abstaining from alcohol, drugs, tea, and coffee. 

Romans 10:13-17
For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
How then shall they call on him in whom they have not believed? and how shall they believe in him of whom they have not heard? and how shall they hear without a preacher?
And how shall they preach, except they be sent? as it is written, How beautiful are the feet of them that preach the gospel of peace, and bring glad tidings of good things!
But they have not all obeyed the gospel. For Esaias saith, Lord, who hath believed our report?
So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.

I did not convert to the missionaries and I was not converted by the missionaries.  They were merely the conduit through which God gave me information about His church.  I converted to a relationship, with regular communication and guidance from God through the Holy Ghost, so I can better live my life and help others.  I have Christ as my example of how I want to live, healing and helping others.  But no one converted me.  I feel like God found me and called me home.

And It Came To Pass

There seems to be a culturally based idea, at least in my religion, which says if you live your life as a righteous member that your life will be easier.  (This begs the questions: what does it mean to be a "righteous member" and what does "easier" mean, but those are different discussions.)  There is this pervasive idea that if you don't do as you've been instructed, if you're not obedient to authority, that you'll have more challenges and a harder time.  If and when you return to the fold your life will go back to being easy.  If a person subscribes to this line of thought, it's simple to jump to the conclusion that if someone's life is hard, they must be paying for mistakes or sinning. 

I'm not sure where this concept comes from, since it's certainly not accurate.  If I look at it from a Biblical perspective I find Job, who was described as "perfect and upright, and one that feared God, and eschewed evil" Job 1:1.  He had as many troubles as most mortals experience in a lifetime, despite being such a good guy.  In my own personal experience, I live a pretty clean life as far as standards go.  Yet I've had some tremendous challenges including brain damage, back surgery, near paralyzing pain for months on end, and that's just some of my physical challenges. 

I think its a huge misconception that "righteous members" (whatever that means) have it easier. Mortality is just hard, regardless of your walk of life.   Whether I am Christian, Buddhist, or worship little green men from space, I am not exempt from difficulties that come with having a mortal body and being on this planet.  As far as religion and life choices, I believe that I choose the path I want to walk and learn what I can from it.  Joining my church has surely not made my life easier, but I stick with it because it's what I want.  Owning my choice and acknowledging that life is just hard, insulates me from the idea that I'm a bad person and being punished for something I've done wrong.  It also keeps me from judging someone else as a sinner or judging their mistakes because their life is hard.  It also prevents me from judging others to be better people than I am because to me their lives look idyllic or easy. 

Judge not, that ye be not judged.  For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.   And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?  Matt 7:1-3 (KJV)

"For thus saith the Lord:  Ye shall not esteem one flesh above another, or one man shall not think himself above another;"  Mosiah 23:7

One of the things that helps me when things are really difficult is to remind myself of something a friend used to say all the time.  When she was stressed, she would tell herself, "It came to pass.  It didn't come to stay, it came to pass."  It Came To Pass is a simple little phrase that I find all over the Bible and other scriptures which I've adopted as well.  It reminds me that no challenge lasts forever.  No emotion, regardless of how dramatic, is permanent.  

I like the idea that Christ came and atoned for my sins (and yours, and everyone else's).  I don't think that every time I mess up I'm causing Him more pain, because I believe He already atoned for everything anyone has ever, or could ever do.  The stuff I've already messed up is covered, and the stuff I will mess up is covered.  That's the beauty of it for me, coming to feel like Jesus loves me enough to take care of all of it, even what hasn't happened yet.  

Bondage

What is your bondage?  I know I have an addictive personality, which is why I avoid certain things like alcohol. I find anything I do, I jump in with both feet.  When I decided I needed a sewing machine so I could reassemble horse blankets that my horses had destroyed in their lip wrestling shenanigans, I bought the heavy-dutiest machine I could find with the help of my friend who was fluent in the ways of these mysterious contraptions.  She taught me how to use it, and now I work with leather, heavy nylon, eight layers of denim, and size 120 needles.

One of my burdens that comes with my bondage is overworking.  I love what I do, and I enjoy most of the aspects of running a large equine facility like this.  Except for scrubbing water tanks, I would rather do a rectal exam than scrub water tanks.  I do find that I am a workaholic, though.  It's not uncommon for me to put in 12-16 hour days in the summer, starting before the sun comes up and finishing as it's setting.  Partially this goes with having livestock as any farmer or rancher will tell you, but partially it is because I feel I only have value when I'm accomplishing something.  I don't feel this way about other people, I easily offer them the grace of rest days and lunch hours.  This is my self imposed bondage, working constantly to the detriment of my own physical and mental health.

I look to my Higher Power for help with this.  These passages describe what I'm hoping for:

Mosiah 24:14, 17, 21-22
And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.  
And he said unto Alma:  Thou shalt go before this people, and I will go with thee and deliver this people out of bondage.
Yea, and in the valley of Alma they poured out their thanks to God because he had been merciful unto them, and eased their burdens, and had delivered them out of bondage; for they were in bondage and none could deliver them except it were the Lord their God.  And they gave thanks to God, yea all their men and all their women and all their children that could speak lifted their voices in the praises of their God.

Relief from the pressing need to accomplish something, everything, in one day.  That drive inside to finish a to-do list which in actuality will never end, the fear of not having enough time in a day, in a week, in a lifetime.  Those are my burdens.  My bondage.

C.S. Lewis's character Eustace in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader described it well when he was trying to make it back to the ship before his companions departed an island without him. "He went very cautiously, for he could not see more than a yard ahead, and there was still perfect silence all around him. It is very unpleasant to have to go cautiously when there is a voice inside you saying all the time, "Hurry, hurry, hurry." For every moment the terrible idea of being left behind grew stronger."

This accurately depicts the sensation I have most of the time.  I must go cautiously in all I do with my life because as a perfectionist each thing must be correct.  However, it is very unpleasant because I have a voice inside me saying to hurry hurry hurry!  I once had a good friend who said if he could open up my head and peer inside, he would see a racetrack.  Each of my thoughts would be a car on the overcrowded track, all careening around at full speed.

I feel like I need permission to slow down, to rest.  I love the gospel because it gives me that.  Even God rested on the seventh day, and surely if God takes a day off I can (and should) too.  I completely understand that there are much heavier loads to bear than what I carry in this my blessed life, and that there are much more serious ways to interpret bondage and burdens.  But this is one way I look at these passages of scripture and in them I find relief.

Abraham and Black White Round Pens

I'd like to address a historical issue that many have with my religion.  In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints there are four books of canonized (official) scripture that we use.  These are the Bible, the Book of Mormon, the Pearl of Great Price, and the Doctrine and Covenants.  Within the Pearl of Great Price there s a book titled Abraham, just like Acts is a book in the Bible.  There is wealth of evidence illustrating that this is not a direct translation from Egyptian papyrus.  That was the generally accepted explanation of its origins within the church for many years.  This information, new to many people, is really upsetting.  I've met many good people who believe very literally in what they have been taught, and anything that varies from that rhetoric is either simply dismissed, or becomes cause for great emotional and intellectual strife.  This includes the idea that the book of Abraham was directly and literally translated from egyptian by Joseph Smith.  I observe this quite a bit both in my church and in the horse world, people who feel the way they see things is the only way to see things.

The way I see it is perhaps different that most.  If a person sees the world as black and white, everything is either right or wrong, then it can be a big step to acknowledge that there might be shades of grey.  Let's imagine for a moment there are only two ways of looking at something, my way and the wrong way.  White and black.  For me it is too restrictive to think of the book of Abraham (or any book) as being entirely factually absolute truth or entirely false.  To take the concept of black and white and admit there might be grey in between is very difficult for black and white thinkers.  But I'm going to take it even further.

I believe there is black and white, an infinite number of shades of grey, and there is also chartreuse.  How could a person possibly appreciate reds, blues, oranges, if he is only willing to look at the world, at religion in black and white?  Even black and white photographs print better if you use the color ink cartridge.  There is something to be learned from all kinds of people, all kinds of faiths, all colors and creeds, all kinds of books.  God made us all, we are all His children, regardless of which religion we subscribe to.  He does not love any of us less than the others, and He gives us all information as we are able to understand it. 

And now as I said concerning faith - faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true.  And now, behold, I say unto you, and I would that ye should remember, that God is merciful unto all who believe on his name; therefore he desireth, in the first place, that ye should believe, ye, even on his word.  And now, he imparteth his word by angels unto men, yea, not only men but women also.  Now this is not all; little children do have words given unto them many times, which confound the wise and the learned.  Alma 21:21-23

I don't see anything in there about disregarding truthful information when it comes from unlikely places.  In fact, these scriptures mean to me that ANYONE can receive information from God, even people who are stereo-typically assumed to be unable to receive revelation like women and children.  The book of Abraham is helpful to me in as much as I read it and find it helpful. 

For my soul delighteth in plainness; for after this manner doth the Lord God work among the children of men.  For the Lord God giveth light unto the understanding; for he speaketh unto men according to their language, unto their understanding.  2 Nephi 31:3

I can gain inspiration and knowledge and insight in all kinds of places.  For example:  I'm standing in the round pen, a circular pen full of sand with a horse and an excited barking dog.  I'm trying to teach the horse the voice commands for each gait: walk, trot, canter, whoa (stop) and reverse (turn and go the other direction).  I speak quietly, because I want the horse to listen carefully to what I'm saying.  If I shout, the horse tends to ignore me until I've said the command several times.  While I'm teaching these soft voice commands to the horse, my dog is leaping around like a buffoon.  He loves the whip, and always barks at it hoping to catch the end of the lash in his mouth while he jumps up and down in blissful enthusiasm.  It is much harder for the horse hear me because of the dog cavorting around at the top of his lungs.  Nevertheless I continue to speak quietly, and as I do so the horse gradually learns to tune out the dog and attend to what I'm saying. 

Every time I'm in this situation (which happens several times weekly since I'm a horse trainer) I think of how God speaks to me.  He almost never bellows or loudly rattles the rooftops, He always explains things to me softly, so quietly I could easily miss it if I was attending to the barking dogs in my life.  It has taken me years of practice to learn how to hear God speak to me, and to realize that it is different than how He speaks to other people, and that difference is ok and necessary.  He speaketh unto them according to their language and understanding.  My best friend hears Him differently than I do, and my acquaintances at church hear Him in ever more diverse ways. 

If I can receive communication from God while standing in a 100' sand pen with a fractious horse and a barking dog, why couldn't I also gain inspiration about how to live a better life from this book of Abraham?  What if that book is not merely white or black, true or false, but neon purple? 

In the first chapter, the beginning of the book's story explains that Abraham had questions.  He wanted happiness and peace, and he desired knowledge.  He desired instructions.  Most of what is given as revelation in the book of Abraham is a response to Abraham's questions.  Not all of them are answered.  I equate this to my own life, and I view it as permission and encouragement from God to ASK QUESTIONS.  If the only way I'm going to get the information and blessings I so desire is to ask, you better believe I'll be asking the hard questions.  Most of my questions I don't have answers for yet, but I sure keep asking them. 

To take it one step further, if you really get into the details of how people perceive colors, what I see as blue may not be the same as the color you identify as blue.  There are too many variables, rods, cones, light refracting differently in your eyeball than in mine.  Not to mention the incredibly complicated system of nerves and chemicals that get the image to your brain, then the complexities of how a brain processes that information.  If our biology is so complicated, and I believe God designed it that way, how can a book be entirely factually true or entirely false?

I recognize that for a black and white thinker, my answer of "chartreuse" to this issue about the book of Abraham may sound like a game of Duck Duck Goose where instead of Goose, I proclaim "Skyscraper!"  I just don't think that you can solve a problem with the same black and white thinking that created it, so this is how I reason through the problem of the historicity of the book of Abraham.  

As a Lost Sheep

I always imagine if I were a character in the Christmas Story, I would probably be one of the shepherds.  When the angels arrived to tell of Christ's birth, odds are I would have been outside taking care of animals.  I have a little ornament that I keep on my desk in my office that is a model horse, with the nativity painted on one side, and on the other is a depiction of a shepherd with his sheep, staring at the new star, with the city far away on the horizon.  This is precisely how I picture myself in the story, standing in my field with my animals, the city a light in the distance, and Christ's star the brightest thing in the sky.

I also love the story of the good shepherd and the lost sheep.

“What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it?

“And when he hath found it, he layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing.” Luke 15:4-5

In my church, we often (mostly) discuss this story in the context of going to rescue the one person who is having trouble.  If you're sitting in Sunday school and this story is discussed, it's discussed as important to visit the sick, to assist the individual with strong doubts, to make friends with your next door neighbor who may not be Mormon.  I think this is important, I can think of many scriptures where Christ tells his followers to be of assistance to those who need it.

However, if I were a character in this story, I'm the lamb that got lost.  In this field of life, I desperately want to feel safe, I want to feel at home.  As a horse trainer, at my ranch I create a safe place for each horse to find what he likes to do and what he is good at.  I provide safety, shelter, protection, food, water, and psychological security.  I take charge of things so they don't need to be afraid of predators on the horizon, imagined or real.  I want someone to do for me what I do for my horses, and in this need I find God.

In the words of the hymn, Come Thou Fount:  
Jesus, sought me when a stranger
Wandering from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood
Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, O take and seal it.

Elder Uchtdorf is an apostle in my church, and he said this last weekend in general conference:

"My dear brothers and sisters, my dear friends, I testify that God sees us as we truly are—and He sees us worthy of rescue.  You may feel that your life is in ruins. You may have sinned. You may be afraid, angry, grieving, or tortured by doubt. But just as the Good Shepherd finds His lost sheep, if you will only lift up your heart to the Savior of the world, He will find you.

He will rescue you.

He will lift you up and place you on His shoulders.

He will carry you home."

I'll continue to act as a good steward and shepherd my horses through their journey in life, and I'll continue to find that same security and feeling of home in my faith because of this otherworldly protection I receive from God.

Wrong Leads, Counter Canters, and Jewelry

If you were to skip around in a circle without alternating your leading leg, one of your legs would generally stay in front of the other.  If you were a cantering horse, the leading leg would be called the "left lead" or the "right lead" depending on whether it was the left or right leg in front.  The correct lead is the one where the leg on the inside of the circle is in front.  The wrong lead is where the leg on the outside of the circle is in front.  When you are first learning this it can be a little tricky to feel the difference between the right and wrong lead from on top of the horse.  It takes practice to be able to see it from the ground, too.  Once you have the hang of it, it is instantly obvious which lead a horse is on.  In this first photo you can see that Highboy's right front leg is in the lead, and so he is on his right lead.  

This is also the correct lead for him going this direction, since the fence is on the outside of the circle, he is leading with his inside leg.  This would of course change if he were cantering on a straightaway in a big field with no turns.  Then it would be important for him to canter on the left lead, and then change to the right lead, so that he doesn't become sore or asymmetrical from only working one side of his body.

This is the convention for cantering on a horse, unless you are doing something called a "counter canter."  In this maneuver you WANT the outside leg to be in the lead, it's a balancing exercise for the horse (and the rider for that matter!)  To further the trickiness of this concept, a person with a practiced eye watching from the ground can tell whether the horse and rider are cantering on the left or right lead, whether it is the correct or wrong lead, as well as whether the rider is cantering on the wrong lead on purpose and is using it as a counter canter. 

This is a more advanced concept to learn, so a new rider makes lots of mistakes when figuring out the canter and how to identify leads.  I often tell my new riders that one man's wrong lead is another man's counter canter.  There's no need to sweat it if you get it wrong while you're learning, that's why we practice.  

I often think about this idea in religion.  There are so many different world religions, but just within Christianity there are innumerable ways to interpret the Bible.  What we think about as "right" and "wrong" varies, even within this book that purportedly represents an unchanging God's views.  For example, regarding whether women should wear jewelry 1 Timothy 2:9 you can find this:

In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;
But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works.

Then you can also find this on the very same subject in Ezekiel 16:11-13

I [God] adorned you with jewelry: I put bracelets on your arms and a necklace around your neck, and I put a ring on your nose, earrings on your ears and a beautiful crown on your head. So you were adorned with gold and silver; your clothes were of fine linen and costly fabric and embroidered cloth. Your food was honey, olive oil and the finest flour. You became very beautiful and rose to be a queen.
  
Which scripture is correct?  What if it's a matter of one man's wrong lead is another man's counter canter?  What is wrong in one circumstance is correct in a different circumstance?  Take a look at this little cartoon.

These two folks are definitely looking at the same set of logs lying on the ground between them.  Because of their points of view they each see a different number of logs.  Is one of them wrong?  How could they both be correct about something so concrete and obvious?  Perspective.  

I like to think that God sees things not only from His own perspective, but also from each of ours.  I like the idea that He can identify with each and every one of us mortals, and see things how each one of us sees them.  It's interesting to me to look at things from different viewpoints, I enjoy trying to figure out why people think the way they do and why they can see the same things so vastly differently.  I like the idea that as I get better at adapting my views to be able to see things the way someone else sees them, I gain empathy and understanding for others.  I think empathy and understanding are godly traits, and important for me as a Christian.  

I don't have to agree with everything (or anything) another person sees, but I want to know WHY they see it that way.  I love the idea that God can see things from an infinite number of perspectives, and He appreciates the history and background in each individual that makes them view things the way they do. 

For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.   Corinthians 13:12 King James Version (KJV)


He answered and said, Whether he be a sinner or no, I know not: one thing I know, that, whereas I was blind, now I see.   John 9:25 KJV


We are in this giant field called life, and it's important to be able to canter on the left lead and then the right lead to keep ourselves limber, balanced, and fit.  Whether we identify a lead as correct or wrong isn't the important part, the critical thing to me is that I can see it from all perspectives. 

Forgiveness

Twice yearly my church does a worldwide broadcast where the church leadership speaks and addresses all the membership and the world.  The leaders of the various organizations within the church speak, so we hear from a variety of men and women speaking about many different topics.  These weekends are called General Conference, and are held on the first weekends in April and October. 

I really liked a talk from Saturday morning this weekend about forgiveness.  It was given by Kevin R. Duncan, and he opened with the remark, "There is not a soul alive who will not, at one time or another, be the victim to someone else's careless actions, hurtful conduct, or even sinful behavior.  That is one thing we all have in common."

My mind began to wander towards the little things that are frustrating to me about the other people I deal with regularly.  I need to forgive those little offenses, realize the person is behaving that way because of something going on in his life, not mine, then them go. 

What about the big offenses?  The ones that create real harm, injury, emotional or physical pain?  Elder Duncan mentioned in the talk that forgiveness is really more for the person doing the forgiving.  If you forgive someone, that doesn't mean that there will be no justice for the one who wronged you.  "What, do ye suppose that mercy can rob justice? I say unto you, Nay; not one whit."  Alma 42:25 

Because there needs to be a balance between justice and mercy, Christ came to bridge the gap between them.  He suffered for our perpetrator's sins, wrongs, and offenses, so that we need only forgive Him, and He shall take care of the justice end.  He also suffered for my individual sins and mistakes, so that He can offer me mercy when I need it.

"And now, the plan of mercy could not be brought about except an atonement should be made; therefore God himself atoneth for the sins of the world, to bring about the plan of mercy, to appease the demands of justice, that God might be a perfect, just God, and a merciful God also." Alma 42:15

I also liked the idea that I need to look at people more the way God sees them.  Elder Duncan mentioned we look at other people the way we see an iceberg, and that there's a lot below the surface which God knows about in others that we never see.  I try to remember this when I'm dealing with difficult people, that I'm only seeing the tip of the iceberg and there are likely many other factors making this person behave this way.  As a trainer, with horses I feel fortunate to have the knowledge and skills to often determine these other factors in challenging training situation.  But I'm a terrible mind reader of humans and I don't have nearly as much accuracy with guessing about two legged mammals.

To paraphrase slightly, Elder Duncan mentions that as mortal humans on this traveling rock through the universe we are all victims, and we are all offenders.  He also gave a nod to the current political climate in the US by rephrasing a familiar scripture,

For the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart. 1 Sam 16:7

"God looketh not upon the color of the sports' team jersey, nor upon the political party."

One more thought I liked from this talk was in reference to running my business as a horse trainer.  I feel like often in the horse industry, especially when there are shows and prize money on the line, we professionals think of each other as competition.  I much prefer the idea that we are colleagues, each with our own set of skills, strengths, and weaknesses.  Elder Duncan said that "Our genuine concern should be for the success of others" and I agree.  I much prefer to rejoice with my colleagues on their accomplishments and good scores, to feel pleased that they are having success with their clients and in the show ring.  As I get to know them better I am then able to refer my own clients to them when I'm unable to address a certain issue or circumstance, and it becomes more of a comfortable partnership.  Colleagues, not competition.

Why Seek Ye the Living Among the Dead?

For me Easter is a time of reflection, considering the things I've lost and the things I have gained.  I also think of an old friend I spent time with in college, and many of the discussions we had about life plans.  She was like me, the type of person to always have a plan and three backup plans.  I remember one of our conversations where we were evaluating the trajectories of our futures.  Both of our lives seemed to be headed in directions other than what we had envisioned for ourselves.  We discussed with each other what our prayers sounded like.  We had each knelt in humble contrition intending to commune with God regarding His intentions, but it actually ended up being a rather lengthy gripe session in which we shook our fists at the heavens exclaiming, "But I had a TEN YEAR PLAN!"

I still regularly find myself in these prayers.  Many things in my life have not gone the way I expected.  As a young twenty something I had planned to be happily single my whole life, attend graduate school for veterinary medicine, and travel the countryside on vet calls.  I ended up marrying my husband, purchasing a ranch, and created Bit of Honey Training LLC as a full time horse trainer. This is an example of one good plan being replaced with another good future. 

I then proceeded training horses for eventing, the horse triathlon.  I would compete until I either lost my nerve or found my common sense, whichever happened first.  At that point I would transition into riding just the sport of dressage and teach jumping.  I have a century ride on my bucket list, which is a competition in dressage where the only rule is that the horse and rider performing the test must have a combined age of 100 years old.  It's a program to show that dressage is a sport for a lifetime.  Horses can live to be about thirty years old, so that means I would be competing at least well into my seventies, and hopefully eighties. 

Then in 2008 I was involved in a freak accident that resulted in brain damage.  I was riding a well behaved, well trained, adult horse, who was cantering in a nice circle.  She took a bad step, slipped, and fell.  Apparently I rode her all the way down, and my head hit the ground.  The horse got up and I didn't.  I was knocked unconscious.  If I hadn't been wearing my helmet I would have died or landed in a permanent vegetative state.  I don't have any memories from the day of the accident until about four months later.  It has been a very long process over multiple years recovering, as well as learning to live with the resulting brain damage from that day.  I spent time in a wheelchair and then a walker, and even eight years later I still occasionally need the walker in situations when my balance and cognitive abilities are compromised.  Due to other complications resulting from this accident my long term professional and riding plans are somewhat uncertain now, so I appreciate each day I'm given another opportunity to live and do what I love.

I've shaken my fist at God in prayer many times over this one.  Fortunately, He loves me and has responded kindly, explaining to me that He is Big Enough for all my anger, all my hurt, all my frustration.  He has told me over and over that He is a Safe Place for me to go with all these negative emotions.  There is nothing I can say, nothing I can do, nothing I can be, that will make Him love me or support me any less.  It means everything to me that God promises to take the very worst things that have happened in my life, and still make something good come out of them. 

On Easter, after Christ died, the women went to anoint His body with spices as was their tradition in Galilee.  When they got to the stone room where Christ's body had been laid they found it empty.  "And as they were afraid, and bowed down their faces to the earth."  (Luke 24:5) "But Mary stood without at the sepulchre weeping:  and as she wept she stooped down, and looked into the sepulchre..."

I myself end up looking for my TEN YEAR PLAN which I so eagerly awaited, and feeling afraid and lost when I can't see things happening that way.  I cry, and I grieve the loss of what I thought and hoped was going to occur. 

... and they say unto her, Woman, why weepest thou?  She saith unto them, Because they have taken away my Lord, and I know not where they have laid him.  And when she had thus said, she turned herself back, and saw Jesus standing and knew not that it was Jesus.  Jesus saith unto her, Woman, why weepest thou?  whom seekest thou?  She, supposing him to be the gardener, saith unto him, Sir if thou have borne him hence, tell me where thou has laid him, and I will take him away."  (John 20:11-15)

As part of the grieving process I bargain, beg, plead, and I inquire what I could possibly do, where should I go and how can I possibly get back those dreams?  That life I wanted so desperately?

Two men in shining garments stood by the women and asked "Why seek ye the living among the dead?"  I feel God asking me, why are you still looking for those dreams?  Why are you staring into an empty tomb?  Those dreams are dead, and have transformed into something that is now your LIFE.

"He is not here, but is risen."  (Luke 24:6) My ten year plan is not here.  It has risen.  It has become something glorious.  It's appropriate and healthy to grieve the loss of the life I wanted, even Jesus wept when someone He loved died (John 11:35).  Now I can look to my Savior and realize that the life I envisioned is gone, but something glorious has taken its place.  Just as the mortal Lord died, then appeared to a woman as a glorious resurrected being.  

So why am I looking at an empty tomb?  I don't need to look there anymore, it's empty.  

I think of the story of Christ's crucifixion, appreciating the price He paid for my struggles.  He not only atoned for my sins, but made it so I will be healed from my hurts and pains.  I believe the doctrine of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints that ultimately each and every human who has ever lived will be resurrected with a perfected body.  For me that means no brain damage, no nerve dysfunction.  While I'm grateful for the blessing of some dramatic recovery in my mortal life, I still find peace in the thought that in the eternities there will be no more pain, no fears, no vertigo, no limits. 


To me Easter is a time of resurrection.  Resurrecting my hopes, my joys, my gratitude, my new life.

Questions in Religion and Science

Questions are a large part of my conversion and lasting time spent staying in this church.  As I read scriptures and learn about how prophets receive information from God, it seems more and more to me like they receive revelation as the result of asking questions. You could say I have a question-based faith.  Some of the first ones I ever asked in prayer while addressing a deity were, "Are you real?" "Is church right for me?"  "Which church?"

I ask questions in science and especially in veterinary medicine.  Most recently I've been researching nutrition needs for horses with a metabolic disorder that makes it difficult to process starches and sugars, comparing nonstructural carbohydrate levels in various feeds.  Earlier this week I had a discussion with my veterinarian regarding the best way to keep a wound clean, and how the latest research is now showing something different than what people have assumed to be true for years.  Science's gold standard used to be betadine or chlorhexidine to clean a wound, but now research is showing that tap water or saline solution is much better, as it inhibits healing the least.  As soon as I learn new information I'm eager to use it, to test it, to discover the nuances within that nugget of knowledge.

From the father of one of the leaders in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints:
"There are all kinds of contradictions that I don't understand, but I find the same kind of contradictions in science, and I haven't decided to apostatize from science." Dr. Henry Eyring

I have similar feelings towards my faith and religion.  I spent more than a year researching this church before I was baptized, and most of what I learned I found through questions.  For example, in the Book of Mormon in Mosiah 18:27-28 a church leader named Alma is counseling his christian followers to help those who need it.  Some of his guidance is:

"And again Alma commanded that the people of the church should impart of their substance, every one according to that which he had; if he have more abundantly he should impart more abundantly; and of him that had but little, but little should be required; and to him that had not should be given.  

And thus they should impart of their substance of their own free will and good desires towards God, and to those priests that stood in need, yea, and to every needy, naked soul."

Some of the questions I ask when reading these passages:

What is "substance"?  Money?  Time?  Emotional reserves?  What can I give?  What do I need?

Who is a "needy, naked soul"?  Is it the homeless man sitting with a cardboard sign by the side of the freeway?  The child who is tired and cranky?  The successful professional who suffers from insomnia?  The horse who never complains that his saddle hurts him?  Am I a needy naked soul?

These are some of the kinds of questions I ask when I read.  If you were to open my scriptures and examine the notes I've written in the margins, you'll find that most of the comments are actually questions.  I find I very rarely, actually I NEVER have complete answers, but I learn from the process of asking the questions.  It may be the scientist in me dedicated to learning more about what interests me, or it may be the child of God inside me who wants to know the details.  It may not be an "or" situation at all, I see no reason why the child of God inside me can't also be a scientist. 

Who is God to Me?

Who is God to me?  This seems like as good a question as any to begin my thoughts on religion.  My perceptions of God have changed over time, as I imagine most people's do.  I suspect God has been the same the whole time, but the way I understand this higher power has evolved as I've grown up, matured, and observed the effects of God in my life.  For simplicity's sake I will refer to God as "He", though I definitely feel God has a feminine component as well.  To me the word "God" means heavenly parents, father and mother, my literal spiritual predecessors.  Because of this lineage, I think there is something heavenly in me, and because I think everything and everyone that I encounter every day was created by God, there is something heavenly in you, too.

When I was a kid I loved a movie called Pete's Dragon.  In this movie the main character, Pete, is an orphan trying to escape from his wicked foster family, the Gogans.  Pete has a friend, an invisible gigantic green dragon that only he can see, named Elliot.  When Pete is having a hard time, Elliot is there to support him.  When Pete is enjoying life, Elliot is there singing with him.  When things get really desperate, Elliot saves Pete.  Finally, at the end of the movie when Pete is safe and has a loving family of his own, Elliot explains that he must move on to help another child, but that he does love Pete.

I find parallels to the Pete's Dragon story in my own young life.  While Elliot is a monstrously sized creature that could hurt Pete, he chooses to protect Pete instead.  As a child I felt similarly about the horses who raised me.  They were so large compared to me, and I knew they could hurt or kill me in an instant.  But I found great satisfaction in creating a friendship with these huge animals and by so doing I found in them my Elliot.

When I began to consider the idea of a god in high school the easiest association for me was to Elliot, and to my horses.  I certainly had relationships with large horses, who could do great damage in short order, but who chose to let me ride them and who thankfully kept me safe.  This connection revealed to me what God was to me at that time.  A protector, a support, a powerful force for safety and love in my life.  Because I felt so much at home in a barn with a horse, God came to mean home to me as well.

In my contact with equines, I generally have found them to be incredibly forgiving creatures.  Of course they each have their own personalities, but on the whole I'm always impressed with how much human nonsense they will tolerate.  We humans, a predatory species, will climb onto a horse, a prey species.  We grab him at the base of the neck where a predator would attack, but before we do that we strap the hide of another dead animal to his back and call it a saddle.  Going entirely against his instincts, a horse will allow us to do all of this to him.  We humans, and especially I, make so many mistakes when trying to communicate with these creatures, but they generally forgive me and acknowledge that I'm making an earnest attempt to do the right thing.  I associate this temperament with God.  I mess things up so regularly, but God in His forgiving mercy and grace, still likes me and wants to help me.

Generally I believe God to be a kind, merciful, powerful, loving, forgiving entity that is actually involved in my day to day life.  Kind of like a horse. 

Jeremiah 29:11  New International Version (NIV) 

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Introducing the Gospel According to a Horse

It's just  my personality that declares, "Everyone is entitled to my opinion!"  Each time I come across a blog post by someone addressing a difficult issue with their religion, I always want to respond with my own views on it.  I don't want to argue, I just feel that I want to put my opinion out there.  Because I'm so outspoken, I feel it's only fair to allow others the same right to their views.  I'm content with agreeing to disagree on most things.  This blog will be my space to express my thoughts on all things religious, and to respond to the various viewpoints I come across.  Because my life and career as a horse trainer and equine rehabilitation specialist have contributed so dramatically to my perspectives on spirituality, I've titled it the Gospel According to a Horse.  I often tell people that everything I know about God and my religion was taught to me by my animals, so it seemed a fitting title to the blog.  I imagine it will be a little regular devotional to draw my own and hopefully others' thoughts toward their Higher Power, however they identify with it.

My preferred flavor of religion is activity as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints.  This group is also known as Mormons.  I was not raised with regular organized religion, but I was raised with good morals and I feel I've always been a spiritual person in that I was taught right and wrong and to be kind and a good person.  As a convert, I chose to be baptized into this faith and I officially became a member on my eighteenth birthday, my first decision as a legal adult.  When I teach the adults' Sunday school class at church I often declare, "everything I know about the gospel I learned from a horse".

"But ask now the beasts, and they shall teach thee; and the fowls of the air, and they shall tell thee: Or speak to the earth, and it shall teach thee: and the fishes of the sea shall declare unto thee.  Who knoweth not in all these things that the hand of the LORD hath wrought this?  In whose hand is the soul of every living thing, and the breath of all mankind."  Job 12:7-10