Why Seek Ye the Living Among the Dead?

For me Easter is a time of reflection, considering the things I've lost and the things I have gained.  I also think of an old friend I spent time with in college, and many of the discussions we had about life plans.  She was like me, the type of person to always have a plan and three backup plans.  I remember one of our conversations where we were evaluating the trajectories of our futures.  Both of our lives seemed to be headed in directions other than what we had envisioned for ourselves.  We discussed with each other what our prayers sounded like.  We had each knelt in humble contrition intending to commune with God regarding His intentions, but it actually ended up being a rather lengthy gripe session in which we shook our fists at the heavens exclaiming, "But I had a TEN YEAR PLAN!"

I still regularly find myself in these prayers.  Many things in my life have not gone the way I expected.  As a young twenty something I had planned to be happily single my whole life, attend graduate school for veterinary medicine, and travel the countryside on vet calls.  I ended up marrying my husband, purchasing a ranch, and created Bit of Honey Training LLC as a full time horse trainer. This is an example of one good plan being replaced with another good future. 

I then proceeded training horses for eventing, the horse triathlon.  I would compete until I either lost my nerve or found my common sense, whichever happened first.  At that point I would transition into riding just the sport of dressage and teach jumping.  I have a century ride on my bucket list, which is a competition in dressage where the only rule is that the horse and rider performing the test must have a combined age of 100 years old.  It's a program to show that dressage is a sport for a lifetime.  Horses can live to be about thirty years old, so that means I would be competing at least well into my seventies, and hopefully eighties. 

Then in 2008 I was involved in a freak accident that resulted in brain damage.  I was riding a well behaved, well trained, adult horse, who was cantering in a nice circle.  She took a bad step, slipped, and fell.  Apparently I rode her all the way down, and my head hit the ground.  The horse got up and I didn't.  I was knocked unconscious.  If I hadn't been wearing my helmet I would have died or landed in a permanent vegetative state.  I don't have any memories from the day of the accident until about four months later.  It has been a very long process over multiple years recovering, as well as learning to live with the resulting brain damage from that day.  I spent time in a wheelchair and then a walker, and even eight years later I still occasionally need the walker in situations when my balance and cognitive abilities are compromised.  Due to other complications resulting from this accident my long term professional and riding plans are somewhat uncertain now, so I appreciate each day I'm given another opportunity to live and do what I love.

I've shaken my fist at God in prayer many times over this one.  Fortunately, He loves me and has responded kindly, explaining to me that He is Big Enough for all my anger, all my hurt, all my frustration.  He has told me over and over that He is a Safe Place for me to go with all these negative emotions.  There is nothing I can say, nothing I can do, nothing I can be, that will make Him love me or support me any less.  It means everything to me that God promises to take the very worst things that have happened in my life, and still make something good come out of them. 

On Easter, after Christ died, the women went to anoint His body with spices as was their tradition in Galilee.  When they got to the stone room where Christ's body had been laid they found it empty.  "And as they were afraid, and bowed down their faces to the earth."  (Luke 24:5) "But Mary stood without at the sepulchre weeping:  and as she wept she stooped down, and looked into the sepulchre..."

I myself end up looking for my TEN YEAR PLAN which I so eagerly awaited, and feeling afraid and lost when I can't see things happening that way.  I cry, and I grieve the loss of what I thought and hoped was going to occur. 

... and they say unto her, Woman, why weepest thou?  She saith unto them, Because they have taken away my Lord, and I know not where they have laid him.  And when she had thus said, she turned herself back, and saw Jesus standing and knew not that it was Jesus.  Jesus saith unto her, Woman, why weepest thou?  whom seekest thou?  She, supposing him to be the gardener, saith unto him, Sir if thou have borne him hence, tell me where thou has laid him, and I will take him away."  (John 20:11-15)

As part of the grieving process I bargain, beg, plead, and I inquire what I could possibly do, where should I go and how can I possibly get back those dreams?  That life I wanted so desperately?

Two men in shining garments stood by the women and asked "Why seek ye the living among the dead?"  I feel God asking me, why are you still looking for those dreams?  Why are you staring into an empty tomb?  Those dreams are dead, and have transformed into something that is now your LIFE.

"He is not here, but is risen."  (Luke 24:6) My ten year plan is not here.  It has risen.  It has become something glorious.  It's appropriate and healthy to grieve the loss of the life I wanted, even Jesus wept when someone He loved died (John 11:35).  Now I can look to my Savior and realize that the life I envisioned is gone, but something glorious has taken its place.  Just as the mortal Lord died, then appeared to a woman as a glorious resurrected being.  

So why am I looking at an empty tomb?  I don't need to look there anymore, it's empty.  

I think of the story of Christ's crucifixion, appreciating the price He paid for my struggles.  He not only atoned for my sins, but made it so I will be healed from my hurts and pains.  I believe the doctrine of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints that ultimately each and every human who has ever lived will be resurrected with a perfected body.  For me that means no brain damage, no nerve dysfunction.  While I'm grateful for the blessing of some dramatic recovery in my mortal life, I still find peace in the thought that in the eternities there will be no more pain, no fears, no vertigo, no limits. 


To me Easter is a time of resurrection.  Resurrecting my hopes, my joys, my gratitude, my new life.