Why Seek Ye the Living Among the Dead?

For me Easter is a time of reflection, considering the things I've lost and the things I have gained.  I also think of an old friend I spent time with in college, and many of the discussions we had about life plans.  She was like me, the type of person to always have a plan and three backup plans.  I remember one of our conversations where we were evaluating the trajectories of our futures.  Both of our lives seemed to be headed in directions other than what we had envisioned for ourselves.  We discussed with each other what our prayers sounded like.  We had each knelt in humble contrition intending to commune with God regarding His intentions, but it actually ended up being a rather lengthy gripe session in which we shook our fists at the heavens exclaiming, "But I had a TEN YEAR PLAN!"

I still regularly find myself in these prayers.  Many things in my life have not gone the way I expected.  As a young twenty something I had planned to be happily single my whole life, attend graduate school for veterinary medicine, and travel the countryside on vet calls.  I ended up marrying my husband, purchasing a ranch, and created Bit of Honey Training LLC as a full time horse trainer. This is an example of one good plan being replaced with another good future. 

I then proceeded training horses for eventing, the horse triathlon.  I would compete until I either lost my nerve or found my common sense, whichever happened first.  At that point I would transition into riding just the sport of dressage and teach jumping.  I have a century ride on my bucket list, which is a competition in dressage where the only rule is that the horse and rider performing the test must have a combined age of 100 years old.  It's a program to show that dressage is a sport for a lifetime.  Horses can live to be about thirty years old, so that means I would be competing at least well into my seventies, and hopefully eighties. 

Then in 2008 I was involved in a freak accident that resulted in brain damage.  I was riding a well behaved, well trained, adult horse, who was cantering in a nice circle.  She took a bad step, slipped, and fell.  Apparently I rode her all the way down, and my head hit the ground.  The horse got up and I didn't.  I was knocked unconscious.  If I hadn't been wearing my helmet I would have died or landed in a permanent vegetative state.  I don't have any memories from the day of the accident until about four months later.  It has been a very long process over multiple years recovering, as well as learning to live with the resulting brain damage from that day.  I spent time in a wheelchair and then a walker, and even eight years later I still occasionally need the walker in situations when my balance and cognitive abilities are compromised.  Due to other complications resulting from this accident my long term professional and riding plans are somewhat uncertain now, so I appreciate each day I'm given another opportunity to live and do what I love.

I've shaken my fist at God in prayer many times over this one.  Fortunately, He loves me and has responded kindly, explaining to me that He is Big Enough for all my anger, all my hurt, all my frustration.  He has told me over and over that He is a Safe Place for me to go with all these negative emotions.  There is nothing I can say, nothing I can do, nothing I can be, that will make Him love me or support me any less.  It means everything to me that God promises to take the very worst things that have happened in my life, and still make something good come out of them. 

On Easter, after Christ died, the women went to anoint His body with spices as was their tradition in Galilee.  When they got to the stone room where Christ's body had been laid they found it empty.  "And as they were afraid, and bowed down their faces to the earth."  (Luke 24:5) "But Mary stood without at the sepulchre weeping:  and as she wept she stooped down, and looked into the sepulchre..."

I myself end up looking for my TEN YEAR PLAN which I so eagerly awaited, and feeling afraid and lost when I can't see things happening that way.  I cry, and I grieve the loss of what I thought and hoped was going to occur. 

... and they say unto her, Woman, why weepest thou?  She saith unto them, Because they have taken away my Lord, and I know not where they have laid him.  And when she had thus said, she turned herself back, and saw Jesus standing and knew not that it was Jesus.  Jesus saith unto her, Woman, why weepest thou?  whom seekest thou?  She, supposing him to be the gardener, saith unto him, Sir if thou have borne him hence, tell me where thou has laid him, and I will take him away."  (John 20:11-15)

As part of the grieving process I bargain, beg, plead, and I inquire what I could possibly do, where should I go and how can I possibly get back those dreams?  That life I wanted so desperately?

Two men in shining garments stood by the women and asked "Why seek ye the living among the dead?"  I feel God asking me, why are you still looking for those dreams?  Why are you staring into an empty tomb?  Those dreams are dead, and have transformed into something that is now your LIFE.

"He is not here, but is risen."  (Luke 24:6) My ten year plan is not here.  It has risen.  It has become something glorious.  It's appropriate and healthy to grieve the loss of the life I wanted, even Jesus wept when someone He loved died (John 11:35).  Now I can look to my Savior and realize that the life I envisioned is gone, but something glorious has taken its place.  Just as the mortal Lord died, then appeared to a woman as a glorious resurrected being.  

So why am I looking at an empty tomb?  I don't need to look there anymore, it's empty.  

I think of the story of Christ's crucifixion, appreciating the price He paid for my struggles.  He not only atoned for my sins, but made it so I will be healed from my hurts and pains.  I believe the doctrine of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints that ultimately each and every human who has ever lived will be resurrected with a perfected body.  For me that means no brain damage, no nerve dysfunction.  While I'm grateful for the blessing of some dramatic recovery in my mortal life, I still find peace in the thought that in the eternities there will be no more pain, no fears, no vertigo, no limits. 


To me Easter is a time of resurrection.  Resurrecting my hopes, my joys, my gratitude, my new life.

Questions in Religion and Science

Questions are a large part of my conversion and lasting time spent staying in this church.  As I read scriptures and learn about how prophets receive information from God, it seems more and more to me like they receive revelation as the result of asking questions. You could say I have a question-based faith.  Some of the first ones I ever asked in prayer while addressing a deity were, "Are you real?" "Is church right for me?"  "Which church?"

I ask questions in science and especially in veterinary medicine.  Most recently I've been researching nutrition needs for horses with a metabolic disorder that makes it difficult to process starches and sugars, comparing nonstructural carbohydrate levels in various feeds.  Earlier this week I had a discussion with my veterinarian regarding the best way to keep a wound clean, and how the latest research is now showing something different than what people have assumed to be true for years.  Science's gold standard used to be betadine or chlorhexidine to clean a wound, but now research is showing that tap water or saline solution is much better, as it inhibits healing the least.  As soon as I learn new information I'm eager to use it, to test it, to discover the nuances within that nugget of knowledge.

From the father of one of the leaders in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints:
"There are all kinds of contradictions that I don't understand, but I find the same kind of contradictions in science, and I haven't decided to apostatize from science." Dr. Henry Eyring

I have similar feelings towards my faith and religion.  I spent more than a year researching this church before I was baptized, and most of what I learned I found through questions.  For example, in the Book of Mormon in Mosiah 18:27-28 a church leader named Alma is counseling his christian followers to help those who need it.  Some of his guidance is:

"And again Alma commanded that the people of the church should impart of their substance, every one according to that which he had; if he have more abundantly he should impart more abundantly; and of him that had but little, but little should be required; and to him that had not should be given.  

And thus they should impart of their substance of their own free will and good desires towards God, and to those priests that stood in need, yea, and to every needy, naked soul."

Some of the questions I ask when reading these passages:

What is "substance"?  Money?  Time?  Emotional reserves?  What can I give?  What do I need?

Who is a "needy, naked soul"?  Is it the homeless man sitting with a cardboard sign by the side of the freeway?  The child who is tired and cranky?  The successful professional who suffers from insomnia?  The horse who never complains that his saddle hurts him?  Am I a needy naked soul?

These are some of the kinds of questions I ask when I read.  If you were to open my scriptures and examine the notes I've written in the margins, you'll find that most of the comments are actually questions.  I find I very rarely, actually I NEVER have complete answers, but I learn from the process of asking the questions.  It may be the scientist in me dedicated to learning more about what interests me, or it may be the child of God inside me who wants to know the details.  It may not be an "or" situation at all, I see no reason why the child of God inside me can't also be a scientist. 

Who is God to Me?

Who is God to me?  This seems like as good a question as any to begin my thoughts on religion.  My perceptions of God have changed over time, as I imagine most people's do.  I suspect God has been the same the whole time, but the way I understand this higher power has evolved as I've grown up, matured, and observed the effects of God in my life.  For simplicity's sake I will refer to God as "He", though I definitely feel God has a feminine component as well.  To me the word "God" means heavenly parents, father and mother, my literal spiritual predecessors.  Because of this lineage, I think there is something heavenly in me, and because I think everything and everyone that I encounter every day was created by God, there is something heavenly in you, too.

When I was a kid I loved a movie called Pete's Dragon.  In this movie the main character, Pete, is an orphan trying to escape from his wicked foster family, the Gogans.  Pete has a friend, an invisible gigantic green dragon that only he can see, named Elliot.  When Pete is having a hard time, Elliot is there to support him.  When Pete is enjoying life, Elliot is there singing with him.  When things get really desperate, Elliot saves Pete.  Finally, at the end of the movie when Pete is safe and has a loving family of his own, Elliot explains that he must move on to help another child, but that he does love Pete.

I find parallels to the Pete's Dragon story in my own young life.  While Elliot is a monstrously sized creature that could hurt Pete, he chooses to protect Pete instead.  As a child I felt similarly about the horses who raised me.  They were so large compared to me, and I knew they could hurt or kill me in an instant.  But I found great satisfaction in creating a friendship with these huge animals and by so doing I found in them my Elliot.

When I began to consider the idea of a god in high school the easiest association for me was to Elliot, and to my horses.  I certainly had relationships with large horses, who could do great damage in short order, but who chose to let me ride them and who thankfully kept me safe.  This connection revealed to me what God was to me at that time.  A protector, a support, a powerful force for safety and love in my life.  Because I felt so much at home in a barn with a horse, God came to mean home to me as well.

In my contact with equines, I generally have found them to be incredibly forgiving creatures.  Of course they each have their own personalities, but on the whole I'm always impressed with how much human nonsense they will tolerate.  We humans, a predatory species, will climb onto a horse, a prey species.  We grab him at the base of the neck where a predator would attack, but before we do that we strap the hide of another dead animal to his back and call it a saddle.  Going entirely against his instincts, a horse will allow us to do all of this to him.  We humans, and especially I, make so many mistakes when trying to communicate with these creatures, but they generally forgive me and acknowledge that I'm making an earnest attempt to do the right thing.  I associate this temperament with God.  I mess things up so regularly, but God in His forgiving mercy and grace, still likes me and wants to help me.

Generally I believe God to be a kind, merciful, powerful, loving, forgiving entity that is actually involved in my day to day life.  Kind of like a horse. 

Jeremiah 29:11  New International Version (NIV) 

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Introducing the Gospel According to a Horse

It's just  my personality that declares, "Everyone is entitled to my opinion!"  Each time I come across a blog post by someone addressing a difficult issue with their religion, I always want to respond with my own views on it.  I don't want to argue, I just feel that I want to put my opinion out there.  Because I'm so outspoken, I feel it's only fair to allow others the same right to their views.  I'm content with agreeing to disagree on most things.  This blog will be my space to express my thoughts on all things religious, and to respond to the various viewpoints I come across.  Because my life and career as a horse trainer and equine rehabilitation specialist have contributed so dramatically to my perspectives on spirituality, I've titled it the Gospel According to a Horse.  I often tell people that everything I know about God and my religion was taught to me by my animals, so it seemed a fitting title to the blog.  I imagine it will be a little regular devotional to draw my own and hopefully others' thoughts toward their Higher Power, however they identify with it.

My preferred flavor of religion is activity as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints.  This group is also known as Mormons.  I was not raised with regular organized religion, but I was raised with good morals and I feel I've always been a spiritual person in that I was taught right and wrong and to be kind and a good person.  As a convert, I chose to be baptized into this faith and I officially became a member on my eighteenth birthday, my first decision as a legal adult.  When I teach the adults' Sunday school class at church I often declare, "everything I know about the gospel I learned from a horse".

"But ask now the beasts, and they shall teach thee; and the fowls of the air, and they shall tell thee: Or speak to the earth, and it shall teach thee: and the fishes of the sea shall declare unto thee.  Who knoweth not in all these things that the hand of the LORD hath wrought this?  In whose hand is the soul of every living thing, and the breath of all mankind."  Job 12:7-10